I am asking for your help to embark on an important journey...
My name is Season. I was named after an actress, but I much prefer the verb definition of the word: To heighten, make lively. To mature, condition, make ready. To give relish or certain character to. There was once a time when I took after the actress, followed by a time when I reflected the meaning describing a period in time. But now... now I would say I live in the movement, the aspiration, the cultivation, the enrichment of life. And the stillness; I live in the stillness that is readiness.
If I were to say I am anything, I would say I am an artist. I play piano, guitar, sing, and write. I would say I am a healer, too. I try to learn everything that helps me and give it to those who wish for it. I became both of these things in an effort to heal myself. And for the luck of my heart, it turned out that they could serve to bring meaning into the experience of life, for myself, and for others. When I reach out from the passion that drives me to create, or from the inspiration that compels me to help, and someone is open to what I want to give, it is a gift. My favorite gift is to be received.
There is a call on my life. This call is to share my heart, mind, and gifts with you. This call is to stand upright, and be a light. To this end (or beginning), my challenge is to know I am whole.
You see, when I was younger, I got very sick. It seems that I've been experiencing illness ever since. There are a lot of scientific and medical details I could give you, but somehow I don't think it will help either of us. The short version, sans the overwhelming details, is that I got a common illness that went untreated because my caregivers thought I was being dramatic when I said how much it hurt. It progressed quickly into a disease. Over time, as a result of the incredibly high doses of medications used to treat it, I developed something they said was permanent.
It took a long time to diagnose. I went 6 years with symptoms without knowing why, with doctors saying it was stress and prescribing muscle relaxers. I finally landed in the hospital with high fevers, terrible pain, and the inability to hold down my food. I was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease. I did not know then that it would change the course of my life.
I have been through an incredible journey thus far. I am 30 years old, and I've had many dark nights of the soul already. I remember being fed through a tube just to gain enough weight to safely fly from one side of the state to the next, in order to be with my family because the doctors said there was nothing else they could do. I remember being hospitalized so much that my veins stopped working due to scar tissue from so many ivs. I remember having a device installed into my chest, sewn into the muscle under the skin, and threaded into big veins in my neck and heart, so that the nurses could give me medications through it. I remember when the many different medications wouldn't work. I remember when I had to find another way to survive.
I remember almost dying. Once, during a period of receiving intravenous nutrition because my intestines had shut down, I was sitting on the floor of my room in my family's house in the dark. I had not quite felt the wasting away of my body yet, though it was long under way. I remember feeling at that moment, when all was silent and still, that my life force was like the very last hum of light on a candle that was about to expire. I remember knowing I could die right then, if I just simply let go. I remember a voice saying, “It's time to choose. It's up to you.” That is the moment I chose to live. It was, perhaps, the first time I chose life in my life.
My whole life transformed after that. My doctor got on my side and taught me how to educate myself. Together, we made the correlation of my condition to the earlier treatments. This was an important beginning to the work I would end up doing to heal myself. He let me take chances and try new things under his supervision, and over the course of the next couple of years, I would find myself in remission from that disease, through major changes to my lifestyle and diet, as well as the awakening of my spiritual path, and the beginnings of healing my heart. This was a huge overcoming. It was not the end, however.
That particular disease has stayed in remission most of the last few years, with only occasional flares. But, as it turned out, through massive amounts of personal investigation and research, and finding the right specialists to help, I was diagnosed with two more diseases that were working together to contribute to the problem: Endometriosis, and Interstitial Cystitis. I had surgeries, and exhausted all available options conventional medicine had to offer, short of removing body parts.
As it stands now, there is a complicated relationship between these conditions that brings debilitating illness in a cyclical fashion, for 10-14 days at a time. I address this from every which angle I can, from natural medicine, to emotional healing, to spiritual work. I make progress, and things get better and better, even if slow. But the part of me that wishes things to be different becomes frustrated at times, because it longs to have a quality of life that allows me to thrive. I want to manifest my dreams.
All in all, I've been experiencing illness for about 15 years. I say this in place of “I am sick” because through the course of healing myself, I've learned that “sick” is not who I am. I am not my experiences, but rather, a being having them. I've learned the cost for making an identity out of these experiences is hardly worth while. Perpetuating this story has not turned out fun. Fifteen years is a long time to go without one's health, and as you have read, some of those experiences have been enormously difficult. Character building, yes, but pain I'd never wish on a soul. And even though that has been the story, I know deep inside me there is so much more to life and to what I am than sickness, or any other single thing. And I can tell you that if I could take it all back up to now, I wouldn't, because of how my heart has grown.
Of course, knowing this inside, and living it all the way through is another thing all together. It has not been an easy road to where I am now. There are still a parts of me that bought the idea that I have a chronic, incurable disease, and keep playing that story out. But another part of me is outgrowing those naysayers. That part believes in wholeness, that it is our very birthright, and that the essence of who we are is beautiful and bright, and so worthy of our good. Sooner or later, the light will shine, and the shadow will vanish. Not because we wanted to get rid of the shadow, but because it is the nature of light to illuminate everything it touches.
It is for this reason that I wish to go on a very special journey. The last time I was in the darkness of the frustration I feel sometimes when I go through all of this, a friend came through like an angel with a message. He told me of an opportunity to heal, in a place where they've been doing it for thousands of years. He told me of the precious gifts that await those who come to find them. All of my study and exploration of what is available there has revealed that this is a real opportunity to bring more and more light into my being.
The place I am going is Peru. The gift is plant medicine in the Amazon, that has a long history of clearing out emotional and physical blockages, such as fear, addictions, anger, toxins, and the darkness underneath illness that causes it to exist (to name a few). The healer who administers the medicine is trained in a tradition thousands of years old. There are beautiful stories by thousands of people all over the world, accounting the overcoming of challenges that nothing else worked for. There is even science backing it up, citing studies done with control groups et al, showing marked improvement in overall well being, with no outright danger or risk. This is, indeed, an opportunity, and it all but fell into my lap. My intuition, which I have learned to trust, has guided me stronger than ever to say, “Yes.”
To be honest, I don't expect that all my problems are going to disappear. I don't imagine that I'm going to be magically cured. What I do imagine, is that I will face myself in new ways that will help me see, love, and accept what really is, and evolve more fully into who I really am, which is whole, complete, and perfectly healthy.
I really believe in saying yes to opportunities that come in the moments of surrender. While I am not proud of the fact that I was very nearly resigned the last time I got sick, I recognize that in that resignation came surrender. The interesting thing about giving up, is that one very important thing goes with it: control. Letting go is the only part of that story that matters. When I finally gave up control, something could be done. And now I feel as is I am simply following that lead. I am ready.
In order to go on this journey, and take this leap in my healing process, I really need help. The whole trip, including air fare, vaccinations, program tuition for 3 months, food and lodging during breaks, and a few incidentals I need to travel safely and comfortably, tallies up to about $5000. Any amount of assistance you are inspired to contribute would be extremely helpful. I would be grateful for anything you can do to help me. I am ready to take this step forward, and come out better for it. I know it is worth it. I'm not going to try to convince you why I am worth it. I will leave that to you, and your heart.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. Thank you for any consideration you have given me. If you feel inspired and able to contribute, you can do so through PayPal, which is very safe and secure. Your donation will go into a sponsorship fund for this healing endeavor. It is a very secure site, and it's very easy to set up an account. If you do not wish to use the internet, but still want to help, feel free to contact me, and I'll give you a physical address to send your contribution to.
If you know anyone who may be interested in reading this article, please feel free to pass it on.
Thank you again for your loving consideration.
In love, and in infinite light,
~Season
To help sponsor Season's healing journey, click on the donate button below:
To hear a sample of Season's music,
click here.
