The Apex of Dramas

My fourth week of ceremonies was all about confronting the doubting mind, and trusting myself. I saw how I always get the answers I need, and how often I second guess myself. I saw how frequently I "consult the oracle twice", and how riddled with confusion my mind often becomes when I am cut off from my instincts. I saw how easy it is to override the quiet voice of truth, and then continue searching for the answers as if I didn't hear.

I was challenged to acknowledge the mind who distorts the message, and that the answers are nearly always on my heart. I began to recognize the differences between the different voices in my head. My higher self/ God/ The Universe is not a dictator, but the ego is. The ego can mask itself as the Divine voice as well, and so can demons (symbolic for the shadows of ego to some). I realized I had another entity living inside me whose time had come to go.

I wound up having a second exorcism. It was not as intense, but it was much more drawn out, over several days, and really uncofortable the whole time. (In retrospect, I prefer hard and fast. Slow agony is not for me. I prefer to get it over with, and I know now that I'm strong enough to handle it consolodated! But I digress...) This entity carried many similar voices as the first one, but was smaller and less frightening. The contrast of it's voice was less apparent when provoked, and I was really caught in thinking his thoughts were me.

When I landed in the darkest place of self-judgment I've experienced so far, I finally decided go near other people, hoping it would at least shift my attention. I confessed my struggle to one friend who offered an ear, and it initiated the impending process. Eventually, there were five people around me as I was moving it out, (at times, quite fitfully). They were all giving me love and saying incredibly nice things to me, which was the perfect amount of contrast for me to see the being fighting them. With their encouragement and support, as well as using the skills I gathered from the last exorcism, I accomplished a lot.

Then someone suggested a shower, because the water is from the river, which helps us get the energy off after purging. Then someone went to get the Shaman, who brought me to his quarters and gave me a private clearing. It was amazing. I could see the energy hiding deeper inside of me in his presence, and felt it when it started to disperse. With my eyes closed, I could see him in full head dress. After a while, I was surprised to see myself in full shamanic garb as well, dancing and moving in strange ways, right in front of me.

I felt some relief until ceremony. I drank a full cup for the first time, (most people drink half a cup, and some three quarters), knowing I as ready to let this thing go. I had a really long ceremony of pain and feeling sick, and it wasn't until the Shaman and his main apprentice left the room that I finally purged it. What a relief that was!

Regarding eating habits, I have more work to do on this side of things now, as I need to correct again in the other direction of my new found freedom from dogma. The whole food issue got worse after it got better, especially after the exorcism. I moved right into working on addictions. I saw where I have been compelled to fill an emptiness with various things during my life, and how uncontrollable I have felt with food for a very long time.

There are so many dynamics with this subject that it warrants a separate entry all together. I will just say for now that I am working this out, and it is not fun, but I have full intention of letting it go, pronto. No one deserves to have this kind of battle as a lifestyle, and it's time to work it out.

I seem to have swung in the opposite direction with body image again again, but I see clearly how this is directly related to my actions. How I feel about what I do contributes a great deal to how I see myself. I notice it is a little better than before, though the back and forth is nothing new. I am ready to confront everything that is keeping this in tact, and move it out, too. I seem to have a to do list!

To keep myself from spiraling downward during the initial hard phase of this group, I made a deliberate effort to work it out actively. As a result, I had an artistic explosion! It started with water color painting, and moved to busting out the scissors for altering shirts, which I'd never done before I got here (so glad I came equipped!).

I made an old, unexciting t-shirt I had into an edgy, slinky blouse. Then two little girls in my group got excited and wanted one, so I made one for each of them. Then some of the women in my group caught on and wanted one, so I custom designed tops for each of them. They all love them! I'm going to make some for my Peruvian friends, too! I've also given a couple of haircuts since I've been here, and gotten smiles in return. It's a great feeling.

Dynamics between romantic relationships and my own creativity revealed themselves during ceremony week. I've seen how I have dispersed my creatitivity through romantic involvements, as both a way for me to express my passion when I have not believed myself capable of it artisticly, and a way for me to sabotage what I say I want in life by overspending my greatest commodity on things I don't need.

It was made clear that it would serve me to build a strong relationship with my creativity, which is my very soul, so that no external situations can thwart that expression. I can be in love with creation, and express myself in that way first. My art can be more than being a catharsis. This has symbiosis written all over it, if I can adjust here. In the long run, once I am solid with my primary impetus, I can think about adding to my life, but not to feed a deficit. I have seen where the deficits still hide, and where my weaknesses still live.

I hit the apex of these dramas on this break, and now it is all about making clear decisions. I have been challenged to give myself what I need first, which is all kinds of love in ways I never thought one could love herself. The more the darkness moves, and the more love I have for myself, the less I desire anything that is not truly aligned for me.

The patterns of behavior have begun to mellow slightly, and it's time to see them through with my will, which I am getting to know more and more. I have seen where I surrender, and where I resign. I have seen how resignation really just doesn't work. I have been challenged to show my committment to my purpose by getting in integrity with it. I hope to work the rest of this out in the remaining time of my process. I am sure I will have more to say on this as time goes on.

Honestly, it feels to me like this past group has been the most uncomfortable and difficult. Before this, I worked through amazing challenges, and struggled at times, but have at least moved forward consistently with very little time lapse. I backslid into old patterns, and feel as if I've been moving more like molasses. I'm being challenged to do a lot of work myself, restructuring and making clear decisions.

I am seeing where my weaknesses lie, and where I rebel, and pretty much all that remains from everything I've been working on so far, and then some! Suffice to say, I need to remember to breathe. I thought I broke through the ice over my head with the first exorcism, but this seems to be another of the big pushes of my seeming rebirth. Sometimes I feel like I'm getting squished, but I know that is an imporant part of strength building. (It hasn't always been easy to maintain optimism, but it feels important at the moment).

I am leaving tomorrow morning to go back to the village. I will be undertaking a new medicine, starting Monday night. This is an opportunity to work things on a level that I haven't yet. It is not concidered easy by any means, but I've seen the outcome is more than worth it. I will be heading back to the village a little early to spend some time with myself, and get ready. I'll see you on the other side.