An excerpt from my process last week:
I am writing about the medicine before it is all too immense to say anything at all. I could try and record all that has happened in the little over a month I have been here, but it would be tedius and ingenuine. Instead, I will write what is alive this moment. That is the offering I can make for now.
I've never been so humbled in all of my life. I've never felt pain so strong in my heart, or faced so much fear. I've never felt so lost or clueless. I've never seen so much darkness in my own self. I've never felt so weak and powerless, or so thick headed.
I never realized how stubborn I am, or how obstinant and arrogant. I never realized how young I am, how wreckless and afraid. I never knew how trapped in mind I've been, or how undisciplined. I never knew the extent to which I've dispersed my energy and creativity. I never realized how much pain I can bring another, or how selfish I can be, or needy. I never knew how I've floundered, and run, run, run away (or that my father was right about many things, even if his telling of the truth was unkind). I never knew how I've squandered myself, or what I've cost.
I never knew how insecure I've been, or how guilt-ridden. I never knew I was love-starved, and controlling. I never knew my own will was cutting me off from my good, and the universe, who has better ideas. I never knew how very little I knew.
I never knew I created everything myself. I never knew I made the bad things as limits on my power and success, because I felt unworthy of my good. I never knew I didn't even feel deserving of life, health, and happiness. I didn't know the degree to which I really cared less about living or dying. I never knew the extent to which I've stood in my own way. I never knew how deep the self-punishment ran. I never knew I would do to myself what I have done, just to drive it home.
If i could spend even some of the energy it has taken to keep all of this in place, I can't imagine how wonderful a life I could make.
In addition to the difficult revelation, there have been triumphs...
I've never felt so courageous before. I've never felt so strong, or so fierce. I've never felt so determined or driven. I've never felt so willing or able to let go. I've never felt so wild, or so free. I've never felt such power from my heart and soul. I've never seen this clearly, wanted to surrender so badly, or felt such reverence and respect. I've never stretched so far, grown so fast, or loved this much. I've never felt that everything before an event was leading straight to it, like this. I've never been this grateful.
I recently read a book, called The Mastery of Love, by don Miguel Ruiz. In the first and last chapters, he uses an analogy about humanities poison. He describes the medical procedure for treated infected wounds, (which is apro pos) for his previous career as a doctor. Ruiz says to fix the wound, one must use a scalpel to cut it open, antisceptic to clean it out, and medicine to help it heal. He says human beings in our culture [western] are walking around with emotional wounds, infected with poison that we pass on to each other. The spreading of the poison creates more wounds in those receiving it, which get infected with more poison, which gets passed on, etc.
Ruiz says to heal these wounds, we will use the same method. He says the scalpel is truth, the cleanser is forgiveness [letting go], and the ointment is self-love.
The medicne works on the same level. The medicine shows the truth about our selves, cleans it out by allowing us to be present and purge the energies trapped there (when we must be willing to let go), and invites us to love ourselves more. We have a chance to restructure the patterns to be more life serving. The clarity is a gift, as is the choice.
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