The Half Way Point

Written July 12, 2010

My first week of ceremonies was about self-love and seeing my love starvation from a lifetime of depletion. It showed me my distance from people, the ways I was blocked off from love, and my yearning for connection. It showed me the deficits in my heart, and how I helped them stay alive. It showed me how all of this contributed to the infirmity in my body.

My second week of ceremonies was about guilt and punishment. It as about self worth, and my sense of deserving or not deserving. It showed me how thoroughly saturated my pours were with guilt, and how a self-punishment pattern also kept the infirmity intact.

I did a special plant diet during this week, which included an extra tea made of plant medicines selected by the Shaman to work specifically on the physical problems I've had. I had to stay in seclusion most of the eight days of the diet, with no reading, music, or other distractions. I ate an even more bland diet than our already bland diet, to aid in greater absorption of the medicines. This experience really amped up the progress I made in ceremonies.

There were several people on another special diet at the same time, and were the only people I could interact with for the first few days. This created a great opportunity to work through charges in friendship dynamics, and connect more deeply with others.

During the whole three weeks of those processes, I was also confronting fear and trauma that still lived in my head. The normal level of energy going towards this for me was revealed, and amplified substantially (as in past periods of stressful life change). I had opportunities to move a lot of that material out.

My third week of ceremonies was about self-esteem, self-judgment, and self-sabotage patterns. This was when the body image issues that have been a backdrop to my life (and that have been up the entire time I've been here) intensified, and beliefs about not being good enough surfaced. I relived an old self-harm pattern (by getting a haircut when I was already happy with what I had, and winding up feeling worse about myself as a result) which sparked an exorcism of a big demon who had been with me as long as I can remember.

I heard his voice that I had mistaken as myself for so long, and saw what it was feeding on inside of me. I had an opportunity to reclaim my power, necessary to accomplish the clearing. It was a delicate balance, requiring me to quickly gain skill and finess for harnessing surrender and will at the same time. With friends in the foyer holding space, and a friend by my side, calling in the spiritual artillary and guiding the way, I went into labor for four hours, and purged the demon.

At the usual anticipated time of this month, I did not get sick. I had been getting a sense it was changing all the while, and that I might be pleasantly surprised. I did not know the level of darkness I would purge right before the usual onset, however, but I am not surprised, considering the amount of pain I was in for so long. I got my moon (my affectionate name for menses) the day after the exorcism, a few days early, due to the hellish work accomplished. I am usually right on time, and this felt like another purge. It was gift that showed me my new freedom from pain.

For a whole day, I experienced myself how I imagine I truly am, with a real sense of peace and self-acceptance. I had a tranquil temperament, and was relating positively with the world around me. At the same time, I felt ready to do what I am here to do. Everything was as clear and normal as the sky. I felt relieved by the sense that there was no story anymore.

The next day, I went right back in to dealing with the darkness, though at nowhere near the same intensity. I saw the remenants of the negativity left in my mind, left from all the parts of me that patterned after the demon. I tumbled with them, with only a few moments of success. More has moved, and more has arisen. Nothing is completely gone yet, as I keep discovering deeper and deeper layers of the muck. It waxes and wanes in intensity. It is a work in progress.

I have had longer and longer periods of feeling beautiful and enjoying being in my body. I found myself moving and stretching, with more presence than I had when I was a young girl who felt compelled to dance alone in her room, just because it felt good. Getting to experience the joy of being embodied is something I could not have really imagined happening. I am grateful for those moments.

I have been working out beliefs about food since I got here, and dogma has cracked open. I've been over-correcting for a long stretch of extreme self-imposed restricion. This started right away, and has continued throughout my time here. I've been eating things I have not had in years. I have reveled in it, and let go of so many beliefs about right and wrong. This was such a huge, fear-based topic for me before, I am amazed at having had such a nice chunk of time feeling relaxed about it.

I have begun to feel a sense of belonging in the group, making friendships at a surprising level of depth and connection. Even the Shaman is interacting with me now, very playfully, after very little acknowledgment for my first two ceremony processes. I am sure this is a result of my own opening to love. It just goes to show how our level of openness and ability to receive influences what comes into our lives. Sometimes people are an amazing mirror for the way the universe works.

I have realized my soul purpose, not through some profound epiphany, but from a clear connection to the constant wish of my heart. If I really check in, I know I've never wanted to be anything else other than a musician. The answer was already there, I was just locked in a pattern of fear of loss, mascarading as fear of success, based in feeling unworthy of my good. I am now getting out of my own way, to make this a reality once and for all.

I have received so much encouragement from the people in my group, and from Peruvian friends in Iquitos as well. For example, one of my Australian friends said music is as obvious as my purpose as balls on a dog! Another friend made in the third ceremony week recognized my talent, and offered to help me get recorded when I get back to the states! A sweet girl from Poland likes to listen to the song over and over, and cry. My dearest Peruvian friend asks to hear the song repetedly, and said I am wasting my time doing anything else. Now that I am believing it for myself, I can actually hear these things and let them in. I've never lacked for encouragement, I just couldn't swallow it until now. I know now that I never have to justify or have any other reason for what I want, if the reason is for the love of it. Love and dreams need no checks and balances.

Romantic relationship patterns have been revealing themselves for the past several weeks, intensifying until broken through or restructured (like everything else that has come up). I have been working through all kinds of confusion and vacillation, and triangulation. I have been seeing the hungers and thirsts in me that help manifest the imbalances and subsequent troubles. I have experienced temptation on emotional and visceral levels, and I've seen my own weeknesses and shortcomings. I've had to pull up boundaries and strength for floodgates opening. I've seen how giving in has been a detriment to myself, and how harmful that has been to others. Integrity with my heart is important for peace with people in my life.

On a lighter note, I have experienced great heart-stretching, passion, and beauty as well. I have noticed a distinct lack of guilt for my joy for the first time in my life. I have seen how my relationship with myself and my own behaviors creates the bulk of my experience. I have begun to learn what a responsibility that is, and have made baby steps in taking it. This is a gift for me.

It has been a strong process, and I am still in the storm, but the peace is growing. I cannot imagine how things will be in another six weeks, but I do know I will be celebrating.